Tag Archive | Satire

Captain Patty Review…As Told by the Characters

Reviews…every author loves them.  Whether good or bad or mediocre, reviews show that a book is being read by an audience, and more readers equals more exposure (and let’s be honest…more sales…) for the writer wanting to make a living.

Getting reviews is all fine and dandy coming from real people, but what if the characters themselves got a hold of the book?  Would they leave a good review, bad review, or spam?  I decided to give the characters of “Captain Patty and the Nameless Navigator” a copy of the book they’re in, and here’s what they submitted:

  • From Samantha: “Captain Patty is the adventurous story of a young girl and her father braving the Seven Seas with the silliest pirate around!  There’s chocolate, hamsters, a big sea monster, and singing and dancing!  You’ll never want to go back on land after reading this fun and exciting story!”
  • From Reuben: “So…there’s this guy.  A guy named Reuben.  He’s a mighty fine chap.  I think he’ll go far in life.  He’s brave, handsome, strong…did I mention handsome?  If they make a movie version, I think they should cast him as himself.  He’d win an award for sure.”
  • From Charles: “It is in my most humbled opinion that ‘Captain Patty and the Nameless Navigator’ is one of the greatest stories of our time.  It is a moral tale of bravery, compassion, loyalty, and love, and anyone who gets their hands on this book will have no trouble putting it down.”
  • From Moderator: “@Louis – the post above has been marked as SPAM.  Please do not solicit customers towards businesses that exist in a literary world.
  • From Bartleby: “This book is trash.  It makes that pompous frilly girl Patty look intelligent when she clearly isn’t and makes that CLEARLY VILLAINOUS FIEND Charles look heroic.  I’ve never read such a one-sided piece of filth.  IGNORE THIS BOOK.
  • From Patty: “I received this book for an honest review in exchange for thirty pounds of chocolate.  From beginning to end, this story captivated me.  I felt as if I were on the ship itself!  Oh wait…I was…
  • From Franky the Hamster: “Squeaky squeak  squeak squeak.  Squeaker squeaky squeak squeak squeaken squeak! 😀

Well, there you have it!   Honest reviews from the characters themselves!  If you’d like to read more about “Captain Patty and the Nameless Navigator”, visit the Books page for more information!


A Letter to My Characters

The following post is a letter to my book characters, said individuals staring in “The Ripple Affair” Series, who have made a few suggestions as to how the story should go in Book 3, “When Dreams Break”:

(Please note, slight spoilers from “The Ripple Affair” and “Reign of Change” in the following satirical letter.)  🙂

Dear Book Characters,

Your letter has reached me and I am writing to inform you that I am acknowledging your requests.  Some are feasible, some not so much, but since I am in a good mood and am always willing to lend a listening ear, I will address your concerns.

To Bernie: you needn’t write a book of suggestions.  I simply do not have the time to read them all.  Yes, I know you want a scene in which you are allowed to smack Edward.  I also understand you want to smack Marcus for not allowing you to smack Edward.  Please understand, however, that I can’t have you go around smacking every “jerk” (as you call them) because this is a romance story and not a boxing match.

To Edward: I will listen to your plea to keep Bernie away from you (for now, at least).  Whether I will keep Malina away from you is another story altogether.  You married her, after all.  It’s not my fault you chose the wrong girl.  That being said, don’t worry about the future.  You never know what a new chapter will bring.

To Marcus: You made no suggestions for yourself but have asked that things go better for Edward, the royal family, and Antoinette.  That is awfully kind of you.  I find it my duty to inform you that you are apparently gathering a fangirl following.  I almost wonder if I should keep you single just so the ladies can have someone to swoon over.  On second thought…ignore that last comment.  You’re a supporting character and I really shouldn’t think about you having a romance with another character, right?  Ugh.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.

To Antoinette: You needn’t worry so much about Arnold.  There’s a plan in place for that.  I agree that he’s a bit of a handful, though.  Narcissistic is putting it nicely.  I like your idea of putting blue hair dye in his shampoo, though.  Oh wait…that was Bernie’s idea?  I still like it.  Admit it, you do too.

To Emmerich: I can’t guarantee that Waffles will not eat any more apples.  Your horse is a glutton for punishment, and though I try to steer him away from overeating that sweet and delicious fruit, I can’t guarantee he’ll listen to me.  He has a mind of his own, that one.  I know dogs have obedience school, so maybe you should look into horse obedience school?  Also, you’re welcome.  I know you were quite pleased with the ending to “Reign of Change” and there’s some more scenes like that for you.  Just don’t tell Susanna.

To Malina: You’re almost as bad as Bernie with your demands.  Seriously, what kind of requests are you making?  More scenes with Vacius?  More fits of evil laughter?  More opportunities to humiliate Edward?  You really need to learn to play nice.  And NO, I will not give you another boyfriend.  You’ve got enough already.

To Susanna: Your requests were as ridiculous as Malina’s.  I’m not going to make Bernie go on a diet and I will not keep her from doing her “science experiments”.  If she wants to study animal velocity by releasing them into the kitchen, it’s fine by me.  It’s just a little mud on the floor.  And a few broken vases.  Nothing that can’t be cleaned up or replaced, right?

To Jacob: I understand you were disappointed for your lack of appearance in “Reign of Change”.  Believe me, it was unconsciously done.  I promise to give you more of a role in the future and it will probably include you eating really good food.

My dear book characters, I thank you for your willingness to give me your concerns.  I hope in the future you will continue to trust me with your thoughts and I will address them as they come along.  In the meantime, await your orders for Book 3.  (And to Maria: DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THE PLAN THIS TIME.  You have a habit of going rogue and I’m a little scared of what kind of repercussions your decisions make!)

Also, my dear characters, if you could be so kind to spread the word that “The Ripple Affair” is available for free on Kindle today through Sunday, January 25, I would appreciate it.  Bernie, you have my permission to make fliers.  Malina, you’re good at spreading gossip, too.  Might as well put that speech of yours to good use for once.